Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize