i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
