You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
