I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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