so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
