OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
