Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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