im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
