he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
