I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
