Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
