she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
