I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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