Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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