Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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