Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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