I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
