My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
