I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
