Betty ford says i'm here all night
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
