Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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