Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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