So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
