Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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