just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
