My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Randomize
