i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
