does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
