i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
