are you still at the devil's house?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
