I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
