You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
