haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Randomize
