my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
