How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
