woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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