You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
