Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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