please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
