i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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