"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
