Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
