my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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