I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
