a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
