And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
