he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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