I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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