I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
