i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I think your dad took our porno
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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