just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
