My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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