Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
