we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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