Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
