one word: firstdatebathroomanal
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So much Jack, so little girl.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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