she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
