So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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