turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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