mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
