Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
