Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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