i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
